A Guide to Wallet Pain 101...

OK, back in the big smoky city again. That's London, to you lot

Following the loss of my car radio/CD player in last weeks theft, I'm now searching for a replacement unit. So far, the window shopping and advice seems to indicate that I'll have to shell out close to two hundred quid for an equivalent unit to the one that got nicked, which was a Kenwood KDC-7024, a VERY nice unit, and of course, no longer made, dammit.

The thieves who nicked it (may turnips stuff up their anal passages and woodworm fill their nostrils) can't use it, of course, unless they get the PIN reprogrammed (which is probably what the halfwits who nicked it'll do, mind, there being a surfeit of crooked wotsits out there who're all too willing to do that for them), but the pain in the backside was the CD I'd burnt that very day, which is still in the blasted stereo! mutter mutter wibble burble rant rant rant...

At least they never got the original - following a car theft three or four years back, I made a concious decision that I would never leave original CDs in the car: I would only leave copy - burned - CDs. Looks like the decision paid off, if only for the damn CD!

Still, I'm left with shelling out for a replacement radio/CD player. I'm not claiming on the insurance, as you might remember. More trouble (read expensive) than it's worth, to be frank, and even though I've got five years protected no claims, the dodgy bleeps in the insurance company will you can be sure, raise the premiums on me if I claim. hell, they'll raise 'em anyhow even if I don't claim, but they'll raise 'em even higher if I claim, so there you have it. Classic Catch-22. Misbegotten sons of... well, you get the idea. I'm not happy at all.

Back to the stereo hunt. I went to a specialist Car Audio dealer near where I live this morning, since what I know of the topic could best be put on the head of a pin. Big mistake. He gave some useful information to me, then pointed out that the way in which my "Kennie" had been wired in meant that unless I wanted to rip out all the wiring and restore it to factory-standard, I'd have to shell out anywhere from £150 upwards for a new unit. I'd also have to get a Ford Facia Plate (another £15) and an ISO Connector (another £15) in addition, due to the manner in which the blasted theives had riped out my old unit. The fitting, or course, would be free, as it was "P*** easy". I politely thanks the lad for his advice, left the store, and damn near collapsed from pain in the wallet - £180 at least?!

Next on the shock trip was Halfords. Where I got a similar story. With a twist. While they'd be happy to flog me the new radio, I'd have to book the car in, have it surveyed by their in-house radio fitter and, only if there was no non-standard connecting to be performed, would the fitting be free. Otherwise, it'd cost me £39.99 to get the damn thing fitted. That'd be £140 for the radio, and £40 for fitting. Total: £180. Wallet pain: Acute.

Not only do I smell a high score on the darts board, I also smell a rat. Work it out from the above.

Piñata on the nether region's too damn good for the sods who stole my radio/CD player. I kid you not, I wanna pull their lungs outta their bodies through their nostrils - and that's the printable version. If I wrote what I wanted to do to them afterwards, I'd be locked up and they'd throw away the bleedin' key.

I think, after all this is done and dusted, I'll be getting a new car alarm fitted.

The military kind.

The kind wired to five pounds of very high explosives.

Wrapped around four pounds of assorted loose shrapnel.

Under the drivers' seat.

The Sales Message for this kind of alarm, by the way, is "If you want it and break into it, you get to buy the farm too".

Well... it's a nice idea, if nothing else.

But I still have to shell out for a new stereo