Tea Threat level...!

I saw this image recently, being used as the avatar for someone online...

It made me laugh, and then my mind went sideways (as it sometimes does), thinking about how one might define the other threat levels...

• Low – No real chance of tea being spilt
• Moderate – Not very likely that tea might be spilt
• Substantial – Mild chance of tea being spilt
• Severe – Tea WILL be spilt.
• Critical – I SAY, old boy! That was my monocle!

Any ideas on improving this will be read with great amusement :-D